What To Do When You Can't Get An Erection

Any man who loses his erection during sex feels like he has lost his potency and his manhood. The ability to get an erection and make love really is an important aspect of a man's sexual self-respect, so losing one's erection can have a devastating effect. In short, being potent is, to most men, a fundamental part of masculinity.

But here's the odd thing - many sex therapists think the major cause of erectile dysfunction is worrying about not getting hard! In other words, if some erection problem has occurred that causes a man to lose his erection during sex, or not being able to get hard in the first place, he worries about it recurring so much and then he finds he really can't get erect again.

The somewhat surprising truth is that erection problems are common. An erection problem may develop for many reasons: you might not want sex; you might be aware of the possibility that someone will see you making love; maybe something went wrong for some reason last time you tried to make love; or even that you were simply too tired. Whatever the cause, you may have felt your erection problem as a major event that cast a shadow over your whole identity as a man.

Unless you are emotionally secure enough to know that these things happen occasionally, your self-doubt may get worse, and your erection may become increasingly unreliable.

As time goes on, a penis that won't get erect tends to get worse. This downward spiral of fear and failure to perform reinforces itself and may well produce a situation where you shy away from sex for fear of what may go wrong. And, as if to make matters even more challenging, a man who is having problems with erection problems will sometimes find he develops other problems like low sexual drive or rapid ejaculation.

Of course some men are more prone to this type of thinking than others. A a perfectionist, or a man who believes he has to be a great performer in bed at all costs, or someone who is very goal-oriented, is probably going to see this much more personally than a man who is more relaxed when it comes to sex. And such a man will not tend to see himself as a man with a sexual problem - he will think of himself as an inadequate man.

Let tell you now, if you're in this position, that there are certain things that are unlikely to help you regain your erection, including these: looking for a new partner; looking at porn or enjoying wild fantasies or acting them out; making love insensitively (e.g. pushing your penis into her as soon as it's erect and reaching orgasm as fast as you can); and even avoiding sex altogether.

But the good thing is that you don't need to give up sex just because you have an erection problem! All you have to do is find the right approach to restore your erection.
First of all, remember that an erection is primarily a reaction to physical stimulation (though of course it can also be a reaction to mental stimulation, particularly in younger men). If you devote too much time thinking about the possibilities that might happen, anticipating intercourse, and worrying about what may or may not happen next, you can lose connection with your body and its capacity to be physically aroused. You need to be in the moment when you're having sex, both physically and mentally.

Second, get checked out for physical problems. Erectile dysfunction can be caused by: diabetes, low hormone levels, stress, depression, anxiety, and many drugs, and various other medical problems. All of them can prevent you getting an erection even if you are sexually aroused.

The classic sign of a physical problem with your health is the complete absence of any erections even at night when you sleep. But this is somewhat dubious. What if you get a semi-hard penis when you masturbate?. Unless you are completely sure of your potency, the best way to clear up physical issues is to go and see a doctor who specialises in male issues, one who knows what he's doing.

Third, get help for any deep-rooted emotional issues. If, for example, you were sexually abused during childhood by a woman, you won't have a good intimate sexual relationship with a woman. The best way to treat with this situation is to get some good psychotherapy. If you think you might have repressed homosexual inclinations, or a fear of closeness, find a therapist who can help you grow to be physically or emotionally close to another human being.

Just because you're a man doesn't imply you need to be able to have sex with any lover who fancies you. There's an old saying in the world of sex therapy - "The penis never lies." What this means is that when you have the opportunity to have sex with a woman who isn't sexually appealing to you, you can say "No" and still see yourself as a man! And, should you try having sex anyway and you suffer erectile failure, it might imply you should be more choosy about your sexual partners!

Furthermore, you don't have to be a sexual superman. A great example of this is that many men think they need to be the leader at all times during lovemaking. It's these men who may lose their erection for seemingly trivial reasons: for example, they aren't able to easily penetrate their partner. Rather than asking their lover to direct their penis in, they just thrust blindly, hoping to find the opening. These guys need to loosen up and remember they aren't alone when they have sex!

And finally, you may be one of those men who needs to be in a loving relationship to have sex and enjoy it. If so, don't attempt to have sex with anyone who just happens to come along!

Other things to consider which may help you deal with erectile dysfunction: men over thirty may need physical stimulation of their penis to get an erection; men can have intercourse with a semi-hard penis; erections come and go during lovemaking; men often find they go soft when when enjoying oral sex or putting on a condom; no man wants sex all the time; it's OK to say "no" to a sexual partner; you may not become erect if you don't want sex with a particular woman, even if you're naked in bed together.

The best way to deal with erection problems is to use a self-help treatment program which avoids you having to go and see a doctor or therapist in person. There is a good self-help program at http://www.end-erectile-dysfunction-now.com

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Rod Phillips is a sexual therapist with www.end-erectile-dysfunction-now.com.

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